A difficult conversation is any situation where the needs/wants, opinions, or perceptions of the involved parties are diverse, with their feelings and emotions running strong.
An individual’s ability to handle one’s emotions in such circumstances and convey information in an extremely sensitive manner is referred to as one’s skills of managing difficult conversations. Such conversations usually take place and are required to be managed, one-to-one.
The skills of managing difficult conversations have become an integral part of the success of any employee, manager, department, and organization as a whole. Avoiding such difficult conversations may bring about comfort in the short term but it can cause lasting damage to the business. This is because the resulting high-cost conflicts consume energy, destroy teamwork, and wipe out creativity.
However, when difficult conversations are managed well, difficult feedback is easily given and learning within an organization is made possible, productivity, as well as collaboration, are enhanced, stress is reduced for oneself as well as others to raise the morale consequently, and hence, better decisions are made. Most important of all, managing difficult conversations help us build and maintain healthy personal as well as work relationships.
Before we want to talk about managing a difficult conversation, we need to know the components of a difficult conversation first.
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Differing perceptions
In most difficult conversations, there are different perceptions of the same reality. I think I’m right and the person with whom I disagree thinks she’s right. I don’t see myself as the problem – I know I make sense. What’s often hard to see is that what the other person is saying also makes sense.
We have different perceptions because:
– We have different information about the same event/decision/issue.
– We have different interpretations of the same event/decision/issue. Our interpretations come from different life experiences that have shaped the lens through which we see people, workplace issues, etc.
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Assumptions about intent
Oftentimes when we are in a difficult situation, we assume we know the intentions of the other person. Intentions exist only in people’s hearts and minds. Unless someone explicitly states his/her intention, we cannot know his/her intention. It is common during a difficult situation to make an attribution about another person’s intentions based on the impact of their actions on us.
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Feelings
There are situations when we get so passionately involved that our emotions affect our ability to think, problem-solve and appropriately communicate. In many conflict situations, feelings are the heart of the matter. They are the primary issues even though they may be masked by a presenting symptom. Unexpressed feelings can color a tough situation.
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Blame
It is typical for people who are in conflict to focus on who is to blame for the problem. Focusing on blame is ineffective because it inhibits our ability to learn what caused the problem and to do anything of significance to correct it. Blame is about making judgments while effective conflict management is about learning from mistakes, understanding different perceptions of the same reality, and adjusting one’s behavior for better results in the future.
Conducting a Difficult Conversation
There are four basic steps:
- Preparation
- Initiation
- Discussion
- Conclusion
Preparation:
In the book “Crucial Conversations,” the authors recommend asking yourself some basic questions to help you internalize your intent, such as “What do I want for me?”, “What do I want for my supervisor?”, “What do I want for our work relationship?” It is important to be clear on the message you want to deliver and what you hope to gain from your effort.
Try a role-play with someone you trust. Start by explaining the situation to your partner. Put on your neutral-observer hat and share your feelings without accusation or blame – pretend you are an objective news reporter and attempt to explain both sides. Then, have your partner be you and you play the role of your supervisor. Listen and react the way you think they would. Then, switch roles and be yourself and rehearse again. Chances are you will gain insights that will improve the way you navigate the real conversation.
Initiation:
Open your one-on-one discussion with a statement to help remind you both that you have a working relationship based on a shared goal. This allows both parties to start the conversation from the same place.
Discussion:
A methodology offered by the authors of “Crucial Conversations” is captured in the acronym STATE:
Share your facts, tell your story, ask for their view, talk tentatively, and encourage testing.
The first three statements (Share, Tell, Ask) are what you do. The last two statements (Talk, Encourage) are how you do it.
During the discussion, you will perform two major activities: Communicate your ideas calmly and logically and listen (not just hearing) to what the other person is saying. You will want to demonstrate that you are also accountable. If you believe you have played no part in the problem, you are probably not being realistic.
Conclusion:
As with any meeting or involved discussion, you should summarize agreements, disagreements, and action items. Depending upon the issue being discussed, there may be a need for a follow-up discussion. The conclusion is a good place to remind the person once again, as you did during the initiation phase, that you have a working relationship based on a shared goal(s).
How to improve the skills of managing difficult conversations
Difficult conversations have become an inevitable part of management. Therefore, there is a dire need for improving the skills to manage them. Following are some of the helpful tips to do so:
1. Begin by building bridges.
Difficult conversations can very easily sabotage your working relationships if not managed sensitively and carefully. You must understand, therefore, that focusing on your differences with the other person will make the conflict seem bigger and may even discourage you from taking a step ahead. The best way is to build bridges first by emphasizing the points of agreement and the positive aspects of the relationship.
2. Do not procrastinate.
If you have a difficult message to give to someone, do not procrastinate and leave the situation to fester. The passing time is unlikely to make it any easier to deal with. You will be wasting more time and energy by anticipating and worrying about the consequences. A better idea is to be proactive and plan how you will handle the situation.
3. Listen to others and learn.
Often when we perceive the conversation to be difficult or fear how the other person will respond, we tend to be close-minded towards the goals of others, talking too much about our perspectives. This is bound to confuse and irritate the other party, acting as fuel to the fire. The best approach, therefore, is to get the other person speaking early in the conversation, listen to him with an open mind, and learn.
4. Don’t avoid them
The longer you wait to have those difficult conversations, the harder it will inevitably be. No one likes to give or receive bad news but holding on to the feelings you have about the problem you want to discuss can make the conversation even harder than it needs to be.
Additionally, if the tough conversation centers around an event or action that took place, allowing more time to pass can blur the details of what occurred for both of the parties involved. Having the chat when the problem is fresh in the minds of both parties can help yield a more positive outcome.
5. Adopt the “learning conversation” method
Learning conversations emphasize empathy and respectful listening. The ultimate goal of having a learning conversation with someone is to learn from the other person and allow the information you gather to inform how you both act and behave toward one another in the future.
When having a tough conversation, your first instinct may be to relay the problem at hand from your point of view. While this seems like an understandable place to start, the problem with this approach often makes the implication that what went wrong is the fault of the other person. This can make the conversation harder to have, as the other person is more likely to become defensive because of this.
6. Approach the conversation with confidence
The energy you bring to difficult conversations sets the tone for how it will go and can impact the other person’s mood and perception as well. No matter the topic at hand, coming into the conversation confidently shows that the problem you’re looking to discuss is one that you’ve been thinking about, that you feel comfortable speaking about, and that holds value to you. Don’t underestimate the power you have over the mood and tone of difficult conversations.
7. Let the other person speak first
Instead of starting the conversation by talking to or at the other person, ask to hear the person’s take on the problem at hand — then listen to what he or she has to say. They may give a short answer, in which case you can ask follow-up questions to help move the conversation going.
8. Try to understand the other person’s point of view
For the difficult conversation to be an effective one, both parties need to be willing to see what happened from the other person’s point of view. You don’t have to agree with everything that comes out of a difficult conversation. But the most effective difficult conversations are ones where both parties make a solid attempt to put themselves in the other person’s shoes for a moment and try to believe that this person had the best of intentions in mind when the problem occurred.
Even if you disagree with them, their views or feelings are still valid, and it’s important to act that way out of respect during these tough talks.
9. Focus on “I” statements vs “You statements”
One way to ensure that you’re not casting blame during difficult conversations is to pay attention to how often you’re using statements that begin with “I” versus how many statements start with “You.”
In an ideal scenario, tough conversations should include “I” statements that express how you’re feeling, how you interpret it, what your view of what happened was, and how you see the problem is resolved to move the relationship forward. “You” statements tend to cast blame on the other person or allow us to make assumptions about the other person that may not be true, which can make the other person defensive.
10. Empathize
Pay attention to how the conversation affects your conversation partner. If you notice that the other person is becoming emotional, or that their body language indicates that they’re feeling uncomfortable, pause what you’re saying and check in with them on where they’re at. This shows that their feelings are valid and important to you and may make it easier for them to be vulnerable with you as the conversation progresses.
11. Follow up after the conversation has concluded
Even if the conversation seems to have ended favorably, new thoughts, feelings and perspectives might arise after the conversation ends. The other may need a few days to truly process the conversation, especially if bad news was delivered or if they weren’t anticipating the conversation you both ended up having. It’s important to be aware that this may occur.
A few days after your conversation concludes, set some time aside to check-in to see how they’re feeling. If possible, try to have this meeting in person rather than virtually. Following up face to face can feel more personal and help foster the connection between the two of you.
In summary, no one likes to have tough conversations or hear bad news. But having them is often a necessary part of any successful relationship. We can only control our own words and actions during difficult conversations, and it’s important to understand that the other person’s reactions and responses are not something we can change or influence.